This Is The Life!
The following was written during the time that I was having one of my battles with the Lord over what was going to be done about my being a Transsexual, at that time I didn't even know I was called a Transsexual.
Deep in the darkness which surrounds me, I called out to God. I wanted him to use his almighty power and change my life. Over and over I cried out to him, knowing he could make my life worth living, but he didn't answer me. His face was turned from me, and my cries did not reach his ears. I began to ask: "Where is the God of the heavens and the Earth, who is he that he should refuse to hear my cry? Am I not his child? How can my Father treat his daughter this way?"
I began to look upon myself, upon the one whom no one can see except my Lord and I, it soon became all to clear that there was no good in me nor had there ever been. Would the one who calls himself the Good Shepherd listen to one such as I in whom there is nothing of value, not even the smallest of lights? In the Book of his words, he said: "Come unto me, and I will give you rest." Though I came and asked more times than I can remember, still he turned his back on me, there is no peace. I, the one in whom there is no good, thought I could call out to the one in whom there is no evil and he would answer me, but he cannot or will not hear my cry. I cannot be angry with him for not answering me, it is I and the evil within me that is the cause of this darkness in which I exist. How long can I cry out for help and only see this darkness grow darker and more miserable each moment that I exist? And the evil within me grow stronger? Like a wind, it constantly grows until I cannot stand before it's power. Again and again I am knocked to the ground!
I stood strong believing that the words in God's Book were true, and they must be true, for they have spoken stronger to me than everything man has to say. But I cannot understand why they do not come to pass in my life. Since the words of God are true, why does this darkness only grow darker and more oppressive? Like a tidal wave about to break on a beach! There was a time, when I felt so close to God, and was convinced that the words he had spoken to me would quickly come to pass, and I would be doing the work he has given to me. Now I question whether he ever spoke to me at all, or if I just made it up because it was what I wanted to hear. Has he truly called me out from among the Saints to be one of those our Lord has placed in his ministry? Everything in my life would say that God has not called me to anything and probably has not placed any kind of anointing on me at all.
How can I know whether what I believe is true concerning his will, if he will not speak up and tell me? I do not ask God to go against his will, but to reveal the truth to me, and tell me what it is that he wants from me, and why he refuses to help me when I ask him too. I thought I knew, now it seems I know nothing. If I am not who and what I thought I was, then who am I? What am I? I know how great the evil within me is, but if God does not change me, how can I ever be changed? Shall I stop asking God to do anything, since he doesn't answer me? Or shall I continue to cry out to him and hope that maybe someday he will hear me and do something to change this darkness in which I live. If only God would look down upon me and at least show me how to get out of this darkness, but then maybe this is the life he has chosen for me. If my life is to be one of dark oppression with everything being destroyed or taken away from me; I do not want to live it!
The life I desire is one of standing strong in that which I believe, never wavering to the left or right, to stand before those to whom Christ has sent me speaking his words to them and doing the work for which he created me. Why is it that for the past two years as I have tried to move forward in the work which he has given to me, my life has been destroyed, and everything that was not, was taken from me. What shall I do? If everything I reach for is taken from me before I can even get my hands on it? If every time I stand up to begin the work he gave me, I am knocked down again? I don't understand why I am being tried and tested so strongly, maybe someday God will reveal it to me.
As you can see by the above writing, I thought being a transsexual was a sin, that being a woman trapped in a male body meant I was full of evil, and that was why I was being tried and tested so hard. Before long it became clear that God was not going to change my spirit and soul so that I would be completely male, This was the beginning of my second stage. I began begging God to change my body.I believed (and still do!), that he could rebuild my body. In a moment I would have been a complete woman in spirit soul and body, but God said no to this also.
So at that time it appeared to me that God was condemning me to a life in which I would never be a man or woman. I became very angry at God, and turned my back on him and everything "Christian". Having lost almost everything by this time, finding a solution to my Female/male problem became very important to me. I also began to sink into a deep depression until I just sat around the house all day. I ate very little, sometimes I would go two or three days without eating. I really didn't want to live,
After about six months of sitting around on the edge of suicide, a friend got me to go see a councilor. Donn was a good man, but he knew nothing about being a Transsexual. Instead of Donn helping me, I had to become his teacher, and the Doctor tried to put me on drugs which only made me sick. The Doctor got mad and wouldn't see me when I refused his drugs. Next I tried the hospital, after one year of seeing the Doctors I finally got them to start me on hormones. This gave me some encouragement and helped me to feel better physically.
I still don't know what to do, but I know this: I will live as the woman that I really am, or I will die as the man I am not. But I will not stay trapped in the middle!!! Using the inter-net, I have found other T.S. Christian sisters, they have been helping me to regain the faith in God that I once had, maybe someday I will be a strong Christian woman again teaching my sisters the truth of Christ like I used to. All I have been asking of this crazy world is to let me be the woman that I really am in spirit, soul and body. Stop trying to force me to be a man!
Over the years, I have had several men who lived with me in a non-sexual relationship. i also had many "boyfriends". I don't think one of them understood the role he played in my life. I fell in love with three of them, two I met in grammar school, the third in high school. I had to keep my mouth shut and make sure no one learned how I felt.
I spent a lot of time with the young man I met in high school, it became very hard to make sure he thought our relationship was asexual, we were brothers as far as he knew. In truth, I loved him and would have married him in a moment if I had been given a girl's body. As it was, I had to stand back and watch as he married a young lady who had been given the proper body for her sex.
I am telling you about the boys and men in my life, because some of you probably think it is wrong or a sin to love what so many would call another man. I thought so until I accepted the fact that I am a Woman, and it is perfectly normal for a woman to love a man! Because I am a woman, it is not wrong or sin when I fall in love with a man. It is the eternal part of me that makes me female or male, and there can be no doubt that my spirit and soul are female.
Our government in their lack of wisdom and knowledge insists that I am a man, because a stupid Doctor said: "It's a Boy!". Because of this, if I choose to marry, I must marry another woman! I almost did get married a couple of times even though I knew it would be a mistake. I knew if I were to marry a woman, I would end up trying to live my life as a woman through her and no one has the right to try and control another's life like that.
I also knew that even though I could love a woman, I had no desire to have sex with her. It is not right to refuse to have sex with your mate. Knowing this I refused to get married, it was better to live alone than to enter a relationship knowing I was only going to end up hurting my wife! I am not here to tear down, but to build up.
I lived my life as close to asexual as I could, never letting anyone see my feelings or emotions. They thought I was strange, and some thought I hated women, I was called just about everything, even a witch. They couldn't understand me, and as people do, they began to fear what they don't understand.
I finally decided I had to put trying to be a man behind me even though that meant going through 'transition' and S.R.S. I was tired of falling in love with a man, only to have him walk off and marry another woman. I know that I have waited many years too long, because of this, I have lost the best years of my life!
I cannot continue pretending to be a man. I may not have many good years left, but I will live them as the woman that I really am.
The Benefits Of Being Transsexual
A man might be able to help another man, since he knows how he thinks and what he desires. A woman could help another woman because she knows her feelings and emotions. There are some Therapists who think they know both men and women well enough to help either one. But men have never understood women nor have women understood men, they just do not think and feel alike, or have the same desires!
There is one group of folks who do not live by the same rules as "normal" men and women, they are those of us who are transsexual. It does not matter whether we are M2F or F2M, we have had to learn to be able to be both female and male at the same time. I knew how to be female without trying, but I had to do the best I could to learn to be male. As far as I am concerned I failed at learning to be male, But I did learn a lot about how they think and what they think about. They still don't make sense to me, but I know what is going on inside their heads! They are only men after all.
It is this understanding that I am talking about, it is there in all transsexual folks, whether we are Christian or not. A transsexual has an understanding of both sexes that "normal" people do not have. I am female in spirit and soul, but people have always insisted on treating me as if I were male. There was only one way for me to survive in this world, I had to learn to be able to act male, or at least androgynous. In this way, I was ignored by most people. They thought I was strange, but other than calling me names, most of them left me alone. In public I acted sexless, in private I was always female.
I always understood girls and women, because I am female just like they are. But I gained an understanding of boys and men that other ladies don't have by trying so hard to look, act and talk like a male. I tried for a while to think like a male, but found it impossible! So I gave up trying. By at least having a fair understanding of both male and female, I have always been able to talk with either one and even help them through many of their problems, especially with the other sex and in spiritual matters.
Being transsexual is nothing new, the American Indians knew about it and called us "Wintke". They knew the value of our psychological understanding of both men and women, they also discovered other abilities that the general public no longer understands. Of course, the Indians mixed a lot of their religion in with being Wintke, so most of us in their tribes ended up being Shamans. But this same understanding of the benefit transsexual folks can bring, should be just as well known among Christians.
I have found too many Christians who think we are possessed by demons or other evil spirits. Often they don't want to even let us meet with them, unless we let them cast out the evil spirits and go back to being the "man" or "woman" they think we are supposed to be. There is a lot of work among our sisters and brothers that transsexual folks could do better than many of the Pastors or Church Councilors, if they would only let us! Many of us would be good Teachers or even Pastors, but most of the churches are afraid of us and would not even think of letting us teach classes. So we are left out, hoping to find a church here and there that will at least let us attend their services.
In dealing with our problems, many of us gain a lot of wisdom and knowledge about spiritual and psychological matters that most people don't learn after years of collage, even when they have earned several degrees. I spent years searching for the truth about myself, and what the Bible had to say about it. I also found that there were many things about myself that at first, I thought were common among all people, only to find they were not at all like me. I found that I had a much greater understanding of spirit and soul than the people around me.
There are other things I found in myself that are not in the "normal" people, but I have trouble trying to find a way to describe most of them. Among Christians I was often called a Prophet(ess), which would almost be the same as a Channeler among New Agers. I am not a New Age Channeler! But when I was in my teens and twenties, I was beginning to get a reputation for finding water, gold, silver or most anything you wanted with a metal rod or pendulum. The church never told me the difference between a Prophet/Prophetess and a New Age Channeler. I had no idea how many of the things I was doing were not Christian, in fact, they were very close to witchcraft.
In the work I have done with the women and men around me, they were never able to figure out how I knew so much about both sexes, marriage, children and similar matters. If I had told them the truth, they would not have believed me, or asked me not to come around anymore. It was my T.S. ability to know and understand both male and female that allowed me to do as much as I did for them ( with a lot of help from the Holy Spirit!).
Even though I can see that there could be many benefits to being transsexual, few of us will ever get a chance to use them. Until the public in general and the churches in our case, learn that we are not people to be feared and that we are not crazy, we will never be allowed to be the benefit to society that we should and can be. The only way I have been able to make any use of anything good I might have received by being transsexual is by making sure no one had any idea I was a woman in a male body. Telling people the truth was the end of everything Christian I was doing!
I learned a lot about people by watching them, paying close attention to everything they did and said. If I had not been a transsexual, I probably would have been in there with the rest of them paying little attention to what was going on around me. I also learned a lot about being an actress by being a T.S., I had too! It was the only way to survive among people who hated anyone who was different in any way. If they had learned I was a girl, they would have caused me endless trouble. It was bad enough as it was, I wasn't going to give them any reason to make things worse!
I have noticed in myself and others who are T.S. or have had other spiritual or psychological problems when they were young, an ability to see and feel the realms of spirit and soul much stronger then "normal" folks who have not had such problems. I don't know why our senses in these areas have been strengthened so much, but it almost always seems to take place. It could be that we are drawn much deeper inside ourselves by our own feelings, emotions and desires, and so discover many things that others never see about ourselves and the people around us. I believe these abilities can be a benefit to ourselves and to the people around us, if only they can accept them.
Being a transsexual gives us an insight into the thoughts, feelings and emotions of both male and female that we would not have had otherwise. I have always known female, because that is what I am, but unlike the other girls, I also had to learn to at least be able to pass for a boy as well. I also had to learn to be able to hide my femininity even from my own family. I was never any less female, but I had to be able to make them believe I was a boy, and never, ever get caught being a girl. I became able to walk around people without being seen or heard, and to feel them before I could see or hear them. It could be this is why my eyes and ears are better than everyone else I know?
I have not known enough others who are also T.S., to be sure how many of these things are common to all of us, and how many are just my own abilities. but I know others who have had phobias or other traumatic events when they were children which changed them. One friend had a severe phobia of people, it took many years to over come it. He has never been the same since, he also has a much stronger sense of spiritual and psychological things now than he did before. And another who was offered to Satan by a coven of witches when he was a little boy, his eyes were opened to the spiritual realm in a way few folks understand. I also have a lady-friend who was sexually molested by her father when she was a little girl. She withdrew inside herself for years afterwards, she did recover, but her knowledge of spirit and soul was stronger than most women. Whether being transsexual is good or bad, seems to have more to do with how each of us has lived our life, than with being transsexual.
Many people have been able to take the hardships and turn them into a good thing. We do not have to let this become an evil in our lives, if no one else wants our help, there are always plenty of sisters and brothers who need us. Now that we have the inter-net, it is easy to reach out to people around the world who need to hear what we have to say. Is it worth the hardships we have suffered, if by chance we are able to use them to save a sister's life? I know that finding my T.S. sisters on the inter-net really helped me out!
Each of us must continue on where those before us left off, we must take the special gifts and talents we have been given by the Holy Spirit and by being T.S. and use them to help those around us, especially those who are where we were! Now I want to reach out to others, like the precious sisters on the T.S. e-mail lists I am on did for me. We all have gifts and talents that were given to us at birth, we must use them and run the good race that has been set before us, so in the end we can say: "I have ran the good race, I have fought the good fight, I have done the best I could with what I have given!"
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Glory Anastasia Wheeler
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